Better.

Take my shoulder back now,
Your head’s too heavy for me.
Please don’t come around here no more,
I asked you to stop and you wouldn’t.
I loved you ‘till it killed me,
So my logic wouldn’t hurt you.
I know you might blame me anyway.
Well I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I’ve tried all the things they told me to do,
Tried to close up the wounds left open by you,
And if I seem doubtful, distrusting, I am.
You said you wouldn’t do it again,
You said you wouldn't do it again...
I would give anything to make you better.
I would give anything to point you to free.
I would give anything to help you realise:
You're not helping yourself by hurting me.

Please go away.

A Fairytale.

Once upon a time, the Prince, he broke her little heart,
She leaked her pretty sorrow, watching midnight fall apart.
She crossed her little fingers as she forged a dainty smile,
Her heart became so numb so she could feign a little while.
He'd whispered her sweet nothings and they echoed in her mind,
But empty promises were the only comfort she could find.
She fled from the august castle that she never could call home,
And lost herself in memories; paralysed and so alone,

She heard a faint, sweet whisper from the stars that shone above,
'Fear not my child, my Princess, I am God and I am Love'.
Though she knew she knew this, now she really knew she knew,
Her crux did smile, did shudder, for he so sovereign and so true.
But to live happily ever after, she must loyally realise,
Heart of woman cannot be found in the sparkle of man's eyes.

I've got the 'Shakes'

'Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn;
If love be rough with you, be rough with love. Prick love for pricking and you beat love down.'
Are we a 'pair of star cross'd lovers'?
Then 'I defy you stars' in uncertainty.

I am an asphyxiated girl now.
I surrender to you.
I hope you don't see this.
It certainly is killing me.
I'm tired of square one.

I love Shakespeare, until death do us part. And maybe a little after that, when I 'Heaven+' it. Inside joke.
Somebody understand, please?
No, shut up. All of you.

The Biggest Day of My Life

My eyes glaze over like sugar-icing on fairy cakes. I blink and take a deep breath. There it is; the dress. It seems to float above the crimson carpet, posing gracefully with such flawless perfection. The sweet-heart neckline, speckled with delicate pearls, each sewn by a single slender hand, sparkles softly as the sunshine glows through the curtained window. A sea of angelic, snowy silk flows divinely from the laced waistline, and dances, gently, in its own magnificence. It is perfect. Just as this day simply has to be. The biggest day of my life...

* * *
Ethan and I met seven years ago. I was just seventeen and he was a rather alluring nineteen years old. I’d, yet again, managed to delude the bouncers of ‘Cheers’, the local nightclub, with a flutter of my eyelids, and a giggling ‘Of course I’m eighteen!’. It would be fair to say that I was enchanted by Ethan’s dreamy brown eyes and his oh-so-sultry stance as soon as my friend, Lucy, and I tottered through the door. I exhaled a mesmerized “Wow” under my breath and only succeeding in peeling my captivated eyes away from him after Lucy dragged me, half-paralyzed, into the ladies toilets. She revived me, eventually, but I could only muster monosyllabic answers for the next few minutes. I can’t say I remember much about the rest of the night. I merely intended to ready myself with a little ‘Dutch courage’; however I do believe my plan went a little too far.
When I awoke the next day - at the foot of my bed, might I add? – Lucy explained to me all that she remembered of the night before. The details are not necessary, but the essential part was, I had spoken to Ethan and given him my number. I didn’t dare even attempt to recall the events of the previous night, I was satisfied with the knowledge that digits had been exchanged, and that was enough.
The longest three days of my life passed until, finally, my phone buzzed with excitement. It was a message from Ethan. I can still, to this day, remember exactly what that first message said:

Hey Isobel, it was nice to meet you the other night! I hope you’ve sobered up, love ;) Like to meet up some time? Ethan :)

My heart certainly skipped a beat...or twelve. I eagerly tapped a reply into my phone, then paused for a minute, in the attempt to play ‘hard to get’, as I had been advised frequently by my girlfriends! Then I clicked ‘send’ and performed a most spectacular victory dance, before realising that I was sitting in the canteen of my college - with a highly entertained audience. But I didn’t care too much - Ethan had text me.

* * *
This place is rather chaotic right now. The flurry of magenta bridesmaids seem to be dancing around me, buzzing like bees at work. This room is vibrant and alive; I can even feel a humming from the maroon walls. I have truly never experienced this sensation before. My stomach seems to be bubbling like hot honey and the fizzing inside feels as though I’ve been shaken, ready to burst. I still cannot believe this day is actually here. The biggest day of my life...

* * *
The first date was fabulous. I spent a grand total of five hours preparing myself with the fundamentals; make-up, hair and outfit. And at make-up version four, hair style nine and outfit twenty three, I was ready to go. So, after one final glance in the mirror, I left the house.
I’d love to tell you that the first date entailed a three course meal at a five star restaurant, followed by a moonlit stroll along a countryside path. However, we were both students, with minimal sterling to our names, so it was actually one large pizza between two at Pizza Hut. But it surely did not matter, because Ethan truly was terrific. For the entirety of the evening his gentle gaze transfixed me. I gushed with glee at his every word and fluttered my lashes like butterflies. I had never been so smitten.

* * *
The antique clock, hanging nobly above the fireplace says '11.03’ which means there’s only one hour and fifty seven minutes left. That seems ludicrous. I have waited for this day for, what seems like, a lifetime. I can hear my forlorn heart pulsing expectantly in my chest. My hands are moist with anticipation. I dare not stand, in fear of my timorous legs losing loyalty to my body. I need to breathe. But I feel as though I have forgotten how to. My heart is still holding on. This day is here. The biggest day of my life...

* * *
I have never had a birthday quite like my eighteenth birthday. Aside from the discernible splendour of becoming a ‘real’ adult in the eyes of society, eighteen was, for me, the first birthday I felt like a woman. I had really matured in the ten months I had spent with Ethan, and he had made me into a light-hearted woman with great self-belief, the likes of which I never believed possible. I knew who I was and, more importantly, who I wanted to be; all thanks to Ethan. He gave me a twinkling glow and as we lay, tender-eyed in an open field on that day, where Ethan had prepared a picnic for two, we made our love complete. I will never forget that day for as long as I live.

* * *
My golden hair is barrelled in loose curls that fall lightly onto my shoulders. As I look at it in the mirror, tweaking the odd hair just a little into place, I see my face. It looks weak with an exhaustion far exceeding the lack of sleep that was stolen from me last night. The indigo of my eyes has lost a sparkle of excitement that once made them silently glisten. My faded skin is tender with a subtle wonder, a soft fear. I smooth my fingertip over the cluster of freckles, scattered like the mosaic of a starry sky. Angel’s kisses. That’s what he used to say to me. My freckles were angel’s kisses, spilled from heaven to only those worthy. Am I worthy of this day? The biggest day of my life...

* * *
I can still recall the enchanting ebony of the midnight sky on that July evening. Ethan and I lay silently beneath the stars, painting treasured art with our fingertips stretched to the sky. I was twenty years old then and I can still hear those four words echoing in my mind. As my eyes bled water, my heart bled a deep love. His words shattered my soul .I knew, from that day on I would never be the same.

* * *
It’s twelve fifty nine. I am sitting faintly outside St Catherine’s Cathedral. There’s only one minute to go. I step out of the immaculate cream car, supported by the young chauffeur. I thank him softly and inhale the clean, summer air that surrounds me. We, the bridal party, begin to walk slowly, gently towards the entrance. Somebody gives a nod of the head. The organ pipes chime with elation. The assembly rise. The day truly begins. The biggest day of my life...

* * *
Those moments in time are so short. The moments that secretly define us, though we do not know it at the time. Those moments that are indelible, with no way of modifying, though we may wish on every star of every sky of every galaxy above. Those moments that replay in our hearts and minds with a deafening silence, yearning for cessation. His eyes are etched into the canvas of my spirit. His cold, shallow gaze. His smile, eloquent, with a pernicious beauty. His hand, cupping my frozen face. His smooth, serene breath, tickling my skin. His rueful apology. His four words:
‘It’s always been Lucy’.

* * *
My smile whispers lies as she glances at me jubilantly, in that stunning, ivory gown. The dress.

'Happiness feels a lot like sorrow;
Let it be, you can't make it come or go.'

She can't believe she's angry,
She can't quite understand,
How all her muffled beauty,
Lay stagnant in his hand.
She knows she doesn't hate him,
And surely never will,
So ceaselessly she'll dance on,
In this blessing of free will.
You do not earn your freedom,
It always has been there,
But the day you do discover,
Please run without a care.

'Let it go, live your life and leave it,
Then one day you'll wake up and she'll be home'

'We'll make sure to build your house brick by boring brick,

Or the wolf's gonna blow it down'

The hardest thing to conquer, when you know you've got to start again: Pride.

Get over yourself.

This is a personal address.

"All this gravity it causes my tears to fall,
You said the wrong thing, when you said nothing at all.
You cannot see tommorow when you're lost in today,
But your eyes are never blind to the bliss of yesterday,
You remember that.

We were dancing with shoe laces untied,
But the morning brings mercy, you softly sigh.

Don't worry about me, dear; not that you were,
Sometimes your eyes whisper that, your heart, it does care.
Are they flaunting their love right in front of my eyes?
Or is that just how it seems since those long goodbyes?
Do you remember that?

We were dancing with shoe laces untied,
But tommorow brings mercy, you softly sigh.

I simply cannot comprehend the way that I feel,
So I just sit so still and wait for all this time to heal.
I don't want to want you, but I want you anyway,
And even if you did ask, I'd say I was Ok.
Please, remember that.

We were dancing with shoe laces untied,
But tommorow brings mercy, you softly sigh.

Yes, we were dancing, just dancing, with shoe laces untied,
So we were bound to fall, however hard we tried,
From the depths of love, you simply cannot hide,
And you must have forgoten to tell me that you secretly lied,
Now I've emptied the ocean with the tears that I've cried,
No there's nothing more painful than a reluctant goodbye.
But the morning brings mercy, you softly sigh."


Tune.x

ps. ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Night.x

So, I want to say something. But I haven't the physical (or emotional) energy to articulate it myself. At least not as eloquently as I would wish to. So, as I have done before, I'll steal somebody else's words. This song just makes me feel peaceful in my emotions. It's so true that we, as humans, love to dwell. It's frustrating and quite moronic, but we do, and I certainly do. So, I guess this is me dwelling, virtually, because I just want to. So there. Yes.

'Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation,
Darkness wakes and stirs imagination,
Silently the senses abandon their defences,
Helpless to resist the notes I write,
For I compose the music of the night.

Slowly, gently night unfurls it's splendour,
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender,
Turn your face away from the garish light of day,
Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light,
And listen to the music of the night.

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams,
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before,
Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar,
And you live as you've never lived before.

Softly, deftly music shall caress you,
Hear it, feel it secretly possess you,
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight,
The darkness of the music of the night.

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication,
Touch me, trust, savour each sensation,
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in,
To the power of the music that I write,
The power of the music of the night,

You alone can make my song take flight,
Help me make the music of the night.'

Wow.Wow.Wow.
I'll just get lost in this, because someone seems to have forgotten something...

They say Love is friendship set on fire, so, of course, you could quite easily get burned.
But the magic, the deep orange glow of this fire is so beautiful you cannot help but reach out and touch it.
The enchantment of that moment in the fire will always be worth the scar.